BUM

The Bureau of Unwheeled Motion™ (BUM)

A Subsidiary of the Big Truck Association’s Department of Cross-Modal Reverence™

There are moments in the great continuum of movement when the wheel—the time-honored champion of progress—is absent. Not broken. Not failed. Simply... never invited. And in that eerie, gliding silence, where motion occurs without roll, without tread, and often without reason, there resides the sacred jurisdiction of the Bureau of Unwheeled Motion™, or BUM.

Established 2011 (accidentally, during a BTA-sponsored interpretive dance about inertia), the Bureau operates from an annex underneath the main DCMR offices, accessed via an escalator that only goes down and occasionally sighs. Staff members wear long wool coats regardless of season and refer to one another as “drifter,” “hoverer,” or “Professor Slide.”

Mission and Conceptual Terrain

The BUM is charged with investigating, interpreting, and—above all—honoring any form of locomotion that defies or denies wheels entirely. This includes modes that float, ooze, hover, wiggle, or vanish and reappear slightly forward.

Some major areas of study include:

Hovering (passive and aggressive)

Sled-based propulsion (including festive and emergency contexts)

Slipping (both unintentional and artistically directed)

Swimming (especially the kind where one looks surprised to be doing it)

Being carried by others (human, animal, conveyor belt)

Wind-blown tumbling (e.g., the majestic journey of a trash bag across a parking lot)

Creeping, oozing, and gradual slumping

Staff members are expected to refer to these modes as “graceful rejections of circular tyranny.”

Facility Design

The Bureau’s headquarters are almost entirely frictionless. Carpets are replaced with satin runners. Office chairs have no legs and must be scooted via core strength. The break room contains only beanbags, a fog machine, and a single enormous hammock referred to as "The Contemplation Net."

There are no stairs. 

Only padded ramps, a slide made of faux-marble, and a mechanical platform that rises very, very slowly to the sound of ambient whale song.

The walls feature murals of legendary unwheeled travelers—heroes like:

Lance “The Skid” Mallory, who once slid down a frozen hill from Minnesota to Missouri by accident

The Hover Goose of Palermo, who famously never touched the ground

A gelatinous cube from a tabletop RPG, commemorated for sheer commitment to oozing

Research and Reports

The Bureau’s ongoing projects are compiled in the annual publication:

“Tractionless Wonders: A Slippery Compendium”, featuring case studies such as:

“Banana Peel Ballet: Accidental Locomotion as Performance”

“Dignified Slithering in a Corporate Context”

“Foam Pit Navigation and Its Implications for Space Travel”

“Human Conveyor Belts: Practicality or Performance Art?”

Each report is printed on parchment misted with eucalyptus and sealed in a soft envelope designed to slide gently off a desk when ignored.

Key Personnel

The Bureau is led by Chief Drift Officer Velma “No-Traction” Skurt, a former professional ice dancer turned mobility theorist. Other notable staff include:

Deputy Floater E. M. Baggs, who insists she once levitated for seventeen minutes while listening to Enya

Director of Slump Dynamics Gary Velveeta, known for his pioneering “Limp-Fall Locomotion” model

The Custodian, whose name is never given and who simply glides silently from room to room, cleaning with a cloth that never touches the surface

All staff meetings are held while lying down or being gently pushed in ergonomic recliners.

Public Interaction

While the Bureau does not maintain a public hotline, interested parties can signal a desire to learn more by:

Slowly descending a hill without walking

Sending a postcard that looks like it was sent by accident

Whispering the word “slideward” into the air near a box fan

If accepted, you will receive a letter via glider drone or be gently nudged toward an open elevator with no buttons.

The Bureau of Unwheeled Motion™ serves as a crucial, contemplative limb of the BTA’s greater philosophical body. In honoring the slitherers, the floaters, the carried, and the sprawlers, it reminds us all that movement is not always about torque or tread. Sometimes, it's about letting go—of friction, of form, of wheels entirely—and allowing the universe to gently nudge you forward, face-down on a cafeteria tray, arms outstretched, dignity optional.

Let us glide into the future.

—Official motto of the BUM: “We Move, but Differently.”